My mom reads this blog. I know! You must be stunned. I talk with my mom often because she’s a goddamn bit of alright, Internets. Sometimes I write things that she is proud of and she tells me so.
“I read your blog today, Heather. It was really good. You’re a good writer.”
“Oh mom! I’m not a writer! OH! But if you run into anyone who knew me ‘back in the day’ you should totally work it in to the conversation that your daughter is a writer! Say it like you’re all proud so they’ll be all impressed, OK? OK??”
Mom let’s out a little laugh, “OK, Heather.”
Then I think about how it would go if she actually did this. I imagine it would go something like this:
Mom runs into Lydia, the mother of one of my high school friends (That’s a made up name because, come on, I’m old and there’s no way I could remember any of those old lady’s names)
“Jean! Wow, it’s been so long! How are you? More importantly, how is that beautiful and talented daughter of yours? I haven’t seen that stunner in forever! I bet she’s doing amazingly well. I always knew she was destined for great things. Soooo, what’s she up to?”
“Well, Lydia, she’s doing great! She’s happily married to a fabulous man and they live in Seattle.”
“Ohhh! How wonderful! What does she do?”
“She’s a writer!”
“Wow! A writer! That’s amazing! Where can I read her?”
This is where my mom thinks about this blog and the writings it holds.
“Did I say she was a writer? I meant to say she was incarcerated. We’re all very proud.”
~
Cheers ~ SF
February 28th, 2012 at 9:01 pm
Could be worse.
You could have written the Twilight series.
How embarrassing would THAT be for her?
February 29th, 2012 at 8:27 am
Hahaha! Right!?? Though the piles of money would probably soften the blow of such an embarrassment.
February 29th, 2012 at 12:56 am
I love that after all those examples, you mum still reads your blog. My mum doesn’t even know about mine, thank goodness
February 29th, 2012 at 8:29 am
My mom is awesome. She doesn’t drink or swear or anything but I think she has just accepted the fact that her daughter has a mouth like a sailor on shore leave.
February 29th, 2012 at 5:00 am
Oh, how I wish I could write “cunt-faced whore” on some of my blogs, but my mom is not wangworthy like yours and would freak the shit out since she reads my blog!
Hed
February 29th, 2012 at 8:30 am
Well you can just come here to use any colorful language you want my friend!
February 29th, 2012 at 6:51 am
Well the least she could do is make up an interesting story about how you got arrested. I’m thinking selling black market kidneys to school children.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:31 am
Ohhh! I’ll tell her that! Or maybe she’ll peek her head in here and see your fabulous suggestion!
February 29th, 2012 at 2:54 pm
lmao. My mother has never read my writing and I think it’s because she isn’t one for the written word. She’ll read a smutty book here and there but I don’t know that I could show my writing to her and survive her being neutral about it. Does that make sense?
LOL I love the “I meant she’s incarcerated”
You are too much, chicka.
February 29th, 2012 at 7:57 pm
Makes total sense! I told my mom about my blog when I first started it when I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. In hind-sight, I would not have done that and saved her the embarrassment.
February 29th, 2012 at 4:13 pm
“Goddamn bit of alright” is my new favorite phrase that I wish I could pull off on public.
February 29th, 2012 at 7:58 pm
It’s easy! You can do it! Try it with a salad or something first….
February 29th, 2012 at 6:21 pm
My mom doesn’t have a computer so she can’t read mine. Probably a good thing. Otherwise she’d be leaving comments on how I was such a “hussy” and a “trollup” when I was younger and have a mouth like a truck driver!! See, we have lots in common!! haha. Hugs.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:00 pm
OMFG I want your mom to get a computer so I can read her comments about you being a trollup!!! I mean….well, that would be rude of her……
February 29th, 2012 at 9:50 pm
See, now that is why I have two blogs: one my mother can read, and one that is completely anonymous. If I didn’t have an anonymous blog, how could I complain about my mother?
March 1st, 2012 at 10:32 pm
You, my friend, are a thinker!!!
March 1st, 2012 at 12:49 pm
You know my father-in-law, the guy that looks like Kim Jong Il, that I depict in comics as being Kim Jong Il? Well he recently found out about our blog, and he read every last post, including that one. I was horrified.
His reaction: “Wow, I’m famous on the Internet! That is so cool!”
Uh, what…?
March 1st, 2012 at 10:39 pm
Holy shiballs!!! I’ve read that comic and laughed so hard! How awesome that he saw fame and funny and NOT insult-y-ness. (oooh a new made up word!) I can totally understand your being horrified at first. Who the fuck wouldn’t be???